


the stars

by ncmadsoldier



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Death, Heartbreak, M/M, Sad, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-03 17:46:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20456927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncmadsoldier/pseuds/ncmadsoldier
Summary: warning: sad





	the stars

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know if they have therapy in space but go with it

"I never knew my parents. I know I had some, everybody does. Obviously. But I never knew them. Can't remember them. Don't know their names, what the look like, what they sound like, whether they love me or not. My first and only childhood memories are in the First Order.” 

“Tell me about that. Your life in the First Order.”

“It was lonely. Probably the loneliest I had ever been. It’s not like we all hung out during our offtimes or shared beers or anything. We didn’t talk, we weren’t friends.”

“That sounds hard. So who was the first person you really bonded with?” 

“Poe.” 

It wasn’t Finn’s idea to come here. He thought it was a waste of time. But Rey insisted that it was the perfect way to properly deal with his feelings. She continued to persist, and he continued to deny going. Matter of fact, Finn never actually agreed to go. Rey told him they were going to get ice cream and ended up dropping him off at the therapists’ office. He was angry for a good 10 minutes before relishing in the fact that maybe he did need this after all. 

“Let’s talk about him.” Her voice was soft and kind, and Finn appreciated how he never pushed her to talk about things he didn’t want to discuss. 

Finn clenched his fist and swallowed the lump forming in his throat. 

“His name is Poe. Poe Dameron, the best damn pilot in the galaxy. Then again, maybe I’m bias,” Finn laughed hollowly, fumbling with his wedding band. “We met when.. When uh.. When my….. Boss took him hostage. I heard around the ship that he was the best pilot the resistence had and I needed an escape. And then when I walked in there and saw him and the way he looked at me and the way his eyes sparkled and I felt like he was the first person I had ever seen in my whole life. We escaped and crashed on Jakku and I thought he was dead. All I had was this jacket, so I took it and trekked through the desert until I met Rey.”

“So you carried his jacket through the boiling hot desert?” 

“When you word it like that it sounds a little weird”

“Not weird. It’s sweet. Go on.” 

The words tumbled out like water through a broken river dam. He could’ve easily talked about Poe for hours. He rambled on about his hair, his eyes, his hands. Their first hug, their first kiss, their first “i love you”. The lump in his throat was getting more prominent as time went on and every story came to its end. 

“He sounds great. It sounds like you two really love each other.” 

“We do. I don’t think I could ever love anyone like I love him.” Finn was toying with the sleeve of his jacket and refused to take his eyes off of his shoes. 

“What about that day? Can we talk about that, Finn?” 

Finn took a sharp inhale. His breath began to shake, his heartbeat became deafening in his ears. Flashes of the memory were running across his mind, each one increasing his heart rate. He leaned back and averted his eyes to the ceiling before shutting them tight. He focused hard on trying to control his breathing and swallow the lump in his throat.

“Alright we’re not ready for that. Let’s think about a happier memory first. We’ll ease our way in.”

Finn took one final deep breath and looked back down at the floor. After digging deep into his memories, he pulled out the memory of the Christmas party him and Poe threw for all their friends. 

_ “Oh God, Poe that is terrible!” Rey exclaimed through her laughter, her voiced etched with disgust. Finn turned around and laughed at Poe’s childish smile as he held up a green knit sweater with snowflakes on it and a stocking with coal in it labeled “Naughty”. Poe was beaming at his purchase. The christmas lights were reflecting in his eyes and lighting up his face.  _

_ “They’re great! Right babe?” Finn couldn’t wipe the dumb smile off his face as he stifled laughter and nodded.  _

_ “Yeah, hun. I love them.”  _

_ “Perfect! Because this one,” Poe dropped the sweater and reached into a box behind him to grab a second sweater, “Is yours!” He held up the same sweater but with the word nice on the front.  _

_ Finn’s jaw drops and Rey fully doubles over in laughter to his left. The room fills with the sound of laughter and happiness and the christmas playlist that Poe made. Finn wanted to be frozen in that moment together, with Poe’s smile lighting up his whole world and the smell of cookies in the air.  _

The sound of the music and the laughter is echoing in Finn’s head as he desperately tries to hold on to Poe’s laugh and his smile and his eyes reflecting the lights. The woman in front of him was kindly smiling at him and nodding as he choked back his tears. 

“That was the night he proposed. He wrapped the ring box in this really cute reindeer wrapping paper. We all sat around the christmas tree to exchange gifts, and when it got to my turn he was all giddy and fidgety and he practically through the box into my hands,” Finn laughs sadly at the image of Poe’s face in his head, “And I opened it up and there was his mother’s ring. The one he had been wearing on his necklace for as long as I’ve known him. He got on one knee and he gave me this huge speech about love and.. And I remember everyone was tearing up, I was sobbing. It was really emotional and it was the best moment of my entire life. I think if I could freeze myself in any moment in my life, it would be that one.” Finn felt happy for the first time in months when talking about that moment.

“That sounds so romantic.” 

“Yeah you know it’s funny how life works sometimes. He was the one to give me my first name, and then he gave me his last.”

“He gave you your first name?”

“I didn’t have a name when we met. I was a number. But he gave me my name. And then he never stopped giving me things. Love, a purpose, hope, happiness. He gave me everything and more.” 

“Let’s talk about that day now, okay? If you’re not ready today we can wait until next week.”

Finn straightened himself in the chair and hugged his body in order to try to squeeze all his broken pieces back together.

“It was December 15th. Poe and I went to save Rey from Kylo, but we lost and he took us too. He brought us to this planet that wasn’t even on our radar and held us in separate cells for a few days. It was cold and lonely and I had no idea where Poe was. Then we got taken from our cells and brought into this huge… throne room or something.”

_ “Poe?! Poe are you okay?” Finn was watching two stormtroopers drag Poe into the room by his arms, his head anxiously whipping back and forth searching the room for Finn and yelling his name over and over. The sound of Finn and Poe’s frantic cries for each other were twisting and turning in the air and bouncing off the walls back to them.  _

_ The stormtroopers brought Poe and Finn up to the throne and pushed them down to their knees in front of Kylo. Rey was standing next to the throne, face twisted in pain at the sight of Finn and Poe’s beaten and bloody faces. Finn and Poe barely noticed her. Their eyes were glued to each other. Kylo stood from the throne and made a gesture to the stormtroopers holding Finn and they pulled him back a few feet. The soldiers holding Poe simultaneously brought him forward and threw him to the ground.  _

_ Finn’s entire body felt cold. Poe looked at him for a split second with fear in his eyes and worry embedded in his face then back at Kylo.  _

_ “What’s up? I see you’ve ditched the mask, huh? It never suited you anyway” Poe spoke confidently but Finn could make out the fear in his voice. At the sight of Kylo’s fist making contact with Poe’s face, Finn physically winced and turned his head away from the sight. He didn’t look back up until Kylo’s voice boomed through the room.  _

_ “FN-2187.” Kylo’s voice crept up the back of Finn’s neck and sent a chill down his spine. Kylo was holding Poe up from the ground by his hair and forcing him to look at Finn.  _

_ Finn had a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. His eyes glanced to Rey, whose fists were clenched so hard she was probably piercing skin. Her eyes were glued on Finn’s. She knew what was going to happen. She knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. Kylo ignited his lightsaber and Finn could feel time itself come to a halt. He struggled to break out of the stormtrooper’s grasp as he watched the red beam of light go straight through his husband’s chest. _

_ Everything stopped. Finn couldn’t hear anything. The stormtroopers didn’t loosen their grips as Kylo threw Poe’s body back to the ground, Poe’s eyes looking into Finn’s. Finn’s screams were reverberating through the grand throne room. He was struggling to pull out of the soldiers’ grips, to crawl over to Poe and just hold him one last time. Kylo stalked over to Finn and roughly took his face in his hand and made him look at Poe’s body lying lifeless on the floor. Finn’s body was shaking with every sob that escaped him. He couldn’t feel any cell in his body. He was trying to avert his eyes from the love of his life’s corpse, but Kylo was forcing his eyes to stay in one place.  _

_ “This is what happens when you’re a traitor to the First Order. I need you to understand that.” Kylo hissed into Finn’s ear and then released his face from his grasp. Finn desperately escaped from the grip of the stormtroopers and scrambled over to Poe and clung to his jacket, combed his hands through his hair, held onto any part that kept him grounded. He pulled Poe onto his lap, kissed his forehead gently, and whispered “It’s okay, It’s okay. You belong to the stars.” and held him until his arms went numb.  _

Finn was sobbing by the time he finished retelling the story of the worst day of his life. He held his head in his hands and tried his best to breathe. Every memory he ever had of Poe was flashing through his brain. Their first hug, their first kiss, their first “I love you” and their final goodbye. 

Rey picked him up from the office right on time. She held him in her arms and let him cry into her shoulder for as long as he needed to. They drove home in silence. Finn couldn’t stay at his house alone and be surrounded by the photos and Poe’s smell and his clothes and the memories, so he’s been staying with Rey. When they arrive, Finn immediately goes to bed and curls into a ball, cradling Poe’s jacket in his arms. He dreams of all the good memories they shared together, ignoring the stabbing heartache he can feel even in his sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi i got lazy at the end sorry for that


End file.
